weblog.masukomi.org - transgender

Vulvic Thoughts

2025-10-22T00:00:00-04:00

Table of Contents

Thoughts, and observations I’ve had since acquiring a vagina
- Hygene
- Sex
  - Cravings
  - Motions
  - Orgasms
  - Oral Sex
  - Intercourse
- Misc

Thoughts, and observations I’ve had since acquiring a vagina

⚠ This post contains unfiltered descriptions of many things related to a vulva. These are things you do not discuss in “polite” society. If you don’t want to hear details - pleasant and not - about having a pussy then you should not keep reading. Please note. Some of this knowledge is cursed.

Most of this stuff will be well known to vagina-havers, but maybe interesting to hear the discovery of. Some of this stuff is very specific to the experience of getting a custom vagina install.

Hygene

Peeing

Urethral Opening

As anyone with even a passing familiarity with female genitals knows, the urethra is not on the outside.

I never really thought about the implications of that until I had to deal with it. It’s so clean for penis-havers. The opening’s right out there with nothing in the way. You pee. You maybe have a single drop you shake off. The end.

I suspect how this plays out is different for every vagina-haver based on body fat, and the shape and thickness of your labia minora, and majora. I dunno, I haven’t really watched videos on the subject.

In my case, the labia minora spread apart when I sit on the toilet, and pee just kinda “finds a way” out. It’s like turning a ravine upside-down, and the water that was at the bottom either drops out directly, or runs down the sides.

When tissue is engorged from arousal, or overheating, or whatever. Then the walls are pressing in, and it sounds like you’ve put your thumb over the end of a garden-hose.

Also, without metaphorically - or literally - hosing it down, there’s no way to remove all the pee. There’s gonna be a small amount left in there, clinging to the inner walls. So, that’s… a thing.

Water Flows Downhill

You know what’s lower than your vulva when sitting on a toilet? Your butt cheeks. Some of the pee goes “out”, but sometimes some of it runs “down”.

No-one warned me about this!

I was not prepared to wipe a stream that traveled a few inches down my butt cheek.

Temperature Matters

Pee is your body temperature when it leaves you, and there’s not a lot of wind in a toilet bowl. Sometimes this means it gently runs across a small bit of flesh and I don’t feel it until it reaches a hair.

Toilet paper

Toilet paper obviously something created, and promoted, by a men. It’s fine for the butt, but it’s a fucking terrible solution to the problem of cleaning or drying labia after peeing.

The stuff disintegrates and sticks to whatever it’s touching if it even sees moisture. Using it to dry a bunch of wet fleshy folds behind a bunch of hairs is a terrible idea. Any penis-havers reading this should try pouring water onto a sidewalk and then trying to dry it with toilet paper. It’s at least that bad.

I always wondered why my wife used such big wodges of it to dry herself. Now I know. It’s the only way to not get pee all over your fingers.

Also, I keep finding teeny pieces of it stuck to my labia. Not like every time, but still… If I was sexually active I’d be terrified of letting anyone play around down there without taking a shower first. I keep my upside-down peri-bottle around because we don’t have a bidet, and sometimes I feel like “fuck it. Get out the hose”

Scent

I mean this in a good way. My pussy smells like pussy. At least, like I remember cis. pussy smelling. It’s been a while.

But, it’s also a warm, dark, moist place which is party-central for bacteria that make scents. Maybe I’m being overly-sensitive. But I feel like a daily shower is a requirement now, not just a social norm.

Sex

Cravings

For context: I don’t really care what anyone has between their legs, but I’m attracted to girl-shaped-people: femme, butch, cis, trans, whatever. “Guy” things are turn-offs: facial hair, big muscles, deep voices, toxic-masculinity, patriarchy, etc.

With the exception of one guy - nearly 30 years ago - I’ve never craved cock… until acquiring a pussy. A few after surgery - when my hormones were going crazy - I wanted nothing more than to be fucking railed by a big hard cock in my pussy. Now, my hormones are back to very cis-female levels, but I keep getting an occasional craving to be fucked with a cock. Not a cock-shaped-dildo, a cock.

To be clear, the idea of being fucked by a guy is a massive turn-off. Additionally I could barely fit a thimble in my pussy, never-mind a cock, so this isn’t even possible. And yet…

It’s just very confusing, and I don’t know where it’s coming from. On top of that is the thought that even if I did have a trans girlfriend with a penis that she actually wanted to use I wouldn’t be able to satisfy the craving anyway, so what the hell am I supposed to do with any of this?!

No, don’t say anal. My butt’s afraid of anything that big. Plus it’s not what I keep craving.

Motions

I’m not sure what I expected. So much importance is placed on the clit. Especially regarding a guy’s ability to find it, and make it feel good.

What I wasn’t expecting was that some of the things that I saw in porn, but didn’t make any sense were real, and not just for show. Like, slapping your mons just above the clit, or taking all your fingers and rubbing the flesh covering the clit without directly touching it.

I wasn’t expecting my clit to be so damn sensitive that I rarely touch it directly. I was expecting that to be the focus of fun-time. Maybe that’s just a me thing though. Don’t get me wrong, things feel great, but not directly.

Orgasms

I described the sensation in my surgical post, but despite the sensation having changed quite a lot before surgery, I wasn’t prepared for how radically different things would feel after.

Personally, I think it’s so much better, but I imagine most guys wouldn’t agree. It feels so… Feminine? Soft? Glowey? Liquid? Not at all like the thrusting targeted burst of before.

I didn’t really have any expectations with regards to multiple orgasms, beyond it being a possibility, but the whole “you can just keep going, and it just keeps feeling good until you come again” is… interesting.

Oral Sex

I’ll tell you when / if I find out, but I can’t wait to find out.

Intercourse

Don’t know. Won’t know. Despite the cravings, there’s nowhere to stick a penis-shaped thing.

I still think minimal depth - that ended up as zero - was the right decision for me. Feel free to hit me up on Mastodon / The Fediverse if you are contemplating going for minimal depth and have questions around that decision.

Misc

Shaving

Why is it so difficult?! Maybe I just need to practice more.

Shaving a scrotum is hard, but it makes sense why.

Nerve Mapping

Tissue got moved around, and repurposed. This has a couple weird side effects.

I don’t actually know where the pee comes out. I’ve tried looking when I’m peeing but it’s around a curve, so I can’t see it directly. What I know is that the skin it’s exiting past was roughly 1cm up from the base of my penis, just below the left-most point. That’s a weird place to feel pee exiting.

What’s worse, is that I can’t find this place with my finger. Touching with my finger feels completely different, so I can’t do anything to tell my brain where it really is, and remap it. I could try touching while I’m peeing but that sounds like a very messy proposition.

Normally you’d remap nerves by showing your brain - usually visually - where the sensation is coming from, and doing this repeatedly until the brain “gets it”. There are multiple places where I’ve done this either through sight or touch, and it’s actually hard to think of where feelings in those places used to come from.

Then there’s the itching. Every now and then I get a little itch, and I have absolutely no idea where to scratch. Worse, running my fingers around in an attempt to chase the sensation down doesn’t really work. I don’t even know if it’s a real itch or just a phantom itch.

Visuals

The outsides look great, but after five-and-a-half months I still haven’t caught sight of my urethra or my clit. It’s really hard to hold my phone and photograph with one hand while sufficiently spreading things with the other, and - to my eyes - things look a bit weird in that area with everything pulled back. I honestly don’t know because I’ve never seen a cis woman spread things apart in this manner (nothing like you see in porn).

Things feel great, and work great, so I’m not complaining - plus someone staring at the insides like that would be weird - but I really do wonder WTF my clit looks like, and why I haven’t found my urethra yet. The latter should be easy but…

Bottom Surgery With Dr. Purohit

2025-08-11T00:00:00-04:00

Table of Contents

Overview

For trans-femme bottom surgery, it’s expected that - for the most part - you’ll be able to return to your normal life approximately three months after surgery.

This post strives to document what that actually looks like, what you can expect, and also what to expect if you choose to work with Dr. Purohit and his team for your bottom surgery.

If you know me in real life, and haven’t already been following the details of this journey you probably shouldn’t read this. If you’re a coworker or potential employer of mine you definitely shouldn’t read this.

⚠ WARNING This post contains post-surgical photos of a neovagina. They’re all hidden behind spoilers and I’ve tried to describe what you’ll see before clicking so you’re not suddenly faced with a bunch of vulva pics at various stages of healing.

Which Surgery

I went for minimal-depth Vaginoplasty for a variety of reasons. This is sometimes conflated with Vulvoplasty, or Zero-Depth Vaginoplasty. These are not the same thing.

With minimal depth you will end up with a short vaginal canal. How short is primarily dependent upon how much material your surgeon has to work with, and what kind of labia minora you ask for. Frequently it’s somewhere around 2½ inches (6.35cm).

This surgery does not require dilation to maintain whatever depth you end up with.

Summary & Thoughts After Five Months

For those of you who aren’t interested in reading my daily commentary, or seeing the progress photos here’s my basic take-away.

High Level

I’m thrilled with the aesthetics. I think Dr. Purohit, and his support team are excellent, and I would highly recommend them.

They did a good job, and were very responsive when I ran into problems. See day’s 13-15 below for details on problems & how they handled them.

My body doesn’t seem to be particularly good at dissolving stitches in between my labia minora. The expectation was that after roughly six weeks all the stitches would be dissolved. Twelve weeks in and the stitches in the touchable areas inside me have only barely begun to dissolve. Some research said it can take up to twelve months. They were mostly gone after 16 weeks.

Description of Stich unpleasantness

[written at the 3 month mark] Sticking a finger inside me feels like sticking it into a bristle brush. I find it emotionally disturbing, and only do so during my daily cleaning.

Most of the time I can’t feel the stitches unless I stick a finger in me. However, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night feeling one of them poking me and have to reach in and move things around.

I believe the stitches near the clit are keeping the nearby tissue hypersensitive.

Edit: ~4 months in the stitches were dissolved but could still be felt under the surface. ~5 months in they were completely undetectable.

It should be noted that I do have non-trivial scaring below my vagina. This was entirely my fault. I slipped and ripped those stitches (day’s 13-15 below).

For observations about masturbation and orgasm, see Week 22.

Photos

Note: In many of these photos you will see a shiny white patch at the bottom of the V shaped surgical scar. The white is just an artifact of the light reflecting off the shiny surface of the scar tissue. Again, that large area of scar tissue was entirely my fault. The vertical line you see to either side of my vulva is more typical of the expected scaring.

The scar is as wide as it is near the bottom of the V because I ripped a number of stitches at the end of week one. This is the result of my own stupidity and should not reflect on Dr. Purohit’s work.

This picture’s a little misleading. The labia minora happen to be in V shape today, but that’s not standard. (see next pic)

Week 12

The arrangement of my Labia Minora seems to change on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes they look more like Week 12 above, and sometimes they’re more like Week 15 below.

Week 22

Here’s what things look like with my legs mostly closed.

Week 12 Vulva Legs Closed

And what they look like when I’m standing.

Week 12 Standing

And a demonstration of how little depth I have.

Finger inserted into vagina

This photo shows my finger fully inserted. I couldn’t press it in any farther if I wanted to.

⚠️ odd looking internals

Clitoral detail view

I thought maybe my clit would settle into a more normal shape as the swelling went down, but after five months I’m reasonably confident that this is just what things look like. That horseshoe looking thing up at the top? That’s my clit. It looks weird, but it feels amazing.

Things I’d wish I’d known

In no particular order…

There is a very long period when you’ll look fine, and feel ok, but you really aren’t. Even ten weeks in a trivial amount of standing or moving can leave you sore and needing to lay down. Stairs are evil, because they don’t hurt to go up or down, and they’ll make you far more sore than a little walking around.

I’ve spent a lot of time frustrated and wishing I could help out more around the house but really not being able to.

The feeling of the catheter moving when you shift or walk is worse than the soreness from the surgery.

They can’t repair ripped stitches. There are good reasons for this, but I didn’t know them when I ripped some, and I really wish they could have. Don’t take any chances with how you sit or move.

Three months isn’t the point when “You’ll be able to do all your normal things.” Three months is where you can reasonably expect to survive going to a standard desk job, as long as you don’t have to walk there. You’ll still need to sit on a donut.

A data point I wish I’d had was that cyclists find that they can’t comfortably ride a bicycle until after six to eight months. Most folks who responded to that reddit thread needed to wait until eight months.

At months I was able to spend a few hours a day at my desk as long as I had my donut.

Questions / Comments

If you have any questions feel free to ping me on Mastodon / The Fediverse at @masukomi@connectified.com If you’re not on the fediverse, then… sorry 🤷‍♀️.

Notes from the Healing

What follows is a mostly an edited version of the diary-style entires I posted to Mastodon during my recovery. However, I’ve also added photos from the relevant weeks.

It should be noted that we later learned that what I describe as “discomfort” from soreness and/or aching is what most people would describe as a 3-4 on the pain scale. A single Extra Strength Tylenol was sufficient to address it.

⚠ WARNING: what follows is extremely TMI. It goes into detail about things most people are uncomfortable discussing, including wounds, bodily functions, physical arousal, and more. The photos from the first few weeks are not easy to look at. This is intended for other trans-femme people considering bottom surgery.

Note for folks who followed this as it happened on Mastodon Feel free to skim the text and just look for photo buttons or headings that say “(w/pic)”. I’ve made sure there’s at least one photo from every week.

If you’re just looking for progress pics the first few weeks have “(w/pic)” added to the daily posts. After I stopped posting daily each of the weekly updates has a picture.

Week 1

May 19th, Pre-surgery

Had to go in at 5:30 AM, and wait in a tiny lobby downstairs until everything actually opened upstairs.

I was called a few minutes after going upstairs and registering, but my wife wasn’t allowed to join me initially. They took me into a bay, and a series of people came in and ask questions, had me sign things, and gave me a gown and socks to wear.

They were being very reasonable, but as an autistic person this was an incredibly stressful experience. To many things being thrown at me too quickly with no preparation or knowledge of what to expect. I really wish I could have had my wife with me for support. If I’d known she was going to be allowed to come in later I would have advocated for her being there from the start because of my autism.

Eventually the let her in and things got a lot better because she acted as my support human.

When Dr. Purohit came in I showed him the photos I’d collected since we’d last talked, including a surgical result from one of the other surgeons at Mt. Sinai that I really wanted him to try and come close to.

He said that what I wanted shouldn’t be a problem.

What he didn’t say was that by asking for more prominent labia minora I’d be sacrificing depth. It would be a while before I discovered this.

I was then led into the surgical room which had about a dozen people in it, and looked nothing like what you see on TV.

They lead me to a table that looked like a stick-figure with separate adjustable areas for your arms and legs.

The anesthesiologist said something, they put a mask on me, and I was unconscious within seconds.

May 19th, Post-surgery (w/pic)

Surgery took about 4½ hours.

I woke up in what I assume was some post-surgical ward. I could see a blue curtain in the direction of my feet, and hear a nurse moving around to my left, but I couldn’t move my head. My throat was sore from the breathing tube and I really wanted some water, but I couldn’t talk.

I found I could lift my right hand though, and I finger-spelled “w.a.t.e.r” to the nurse. Unfortunately, she didn’t know sign, but she guessed, and I gave her a thumbs up. She gave me some water, and then I passed out again.

I woke up in a private room.

Posts from May 19th

Surgery went well. I’m not on anything more powerful than Advil and I feel zero pain. Literally. A feels like I overworked some muscles. That may change tomorrow as things start to swell.

All the anxious stress hurting my belly and jaw clenching is gone.

Nurses are practically giddy about the quantity and quality of the “textbook pee” I’m producing.

Actually I lied, I am in pain. My throat is really sore from the breathing tube.

I’ve also learned that there are no lights in this room that can be controlled from the bed, and I’m not allowed to leave the bed.

It’s getting quite dim but my eReader has backlight so I’m good. Also I think I’ll probably fall asleep soon anyway.

In more entertaining news. They have me wrapped up in gauze and tape such that I look like an actress in a low budget 80’s sci-fi movie.

compression bandages

Posts from May 20th

I asked if I should expect more pain in coming days. She said probably not to expect change from surgical site. Normally what’s most noticed to catheter (yup) and intestinal gas (yup).

She did say I may still be working through remnants of anesthesia so it’s possible pain will increase when that’s fully gone, but also that it should be manageable with drugs.

Also I’m not allowed to lay on my side. 😔

I should note that engaging muscles at site does hurt, so my first time out of bed may be miserable. 🤷‍♀️

Had a visit from a urologist I hadn’t met before. (3rd female doc I’ve seen so far). My job for today is to lay in bed.

She seemed surprised I’m already passing gas. Personally I’m thrilled because gas has been the most uncomfortable thing so far.

Mentioned it hurts when I engage groin muscles. She said “yeah we don’t want you doing that.”😉

Humorous note: had a spark of pain after shifting which brain told me was at the base of my 🍆. No idea where it actually was as everything is still hidden by inches of gauze.

Also doc just leaned over and looked at and felt felt my groin (gauze really) without preamble which was … “oh um. Ok. That’s a first😄” in my head.

Good news. Surgeon just stopped by and said I can walk around later today. Very happy about this because my lower back needs to move.

I got a visit from a lovely service dog named Jemma, but I think she’d had enough for the day.

I walked! I was rudiculously light-headed after laying down for ~30 hrs. but… I walked and it didn’t hurt

Will repeat in ~1 hr. Still might get discharged today but won’t know until evening

Been having trouble getting a nurse to come this afternoon. Not sure what’s going on. IV machine ran out like an hour ago and beeped at me incessantly (we hates it precious) finally got someone to come and walk me again 1hr later than planned.

I’m officially sick of this place and want to go home. Seems like I will be discharged this evening 🤞

Walking gives me a minor headache and makes me soooooo tried

[Note] I didn’t get discharged. I wish I had, because there was an elderly woman across the hall who listened to her television at full volume for the next 30 hours.

Posts from May 21st (w/pic)

Last night was miserable. Pressure bandages are stuck to my belly. Every time I breathe in it expands and pulls on them. Eventually this lead to me only breathing very shallowly when half asleep.

Eventually replaced the lidocaine patch nurse and I couldn’t figure use foot but that took hours.

Neighbor still listening to TV at full volume until a bossy nurse went and turned it down on my behalf at 11pm.

Woke up with sore jaws as of clenching all night.

Groin finally hurting. I desperately want this pressure bandage off. Convinced I’ll feel better when it’s gone. Hopefully not wrong. At least I’ll be able to breathe without it pressing on my belly.

Also NEED to get the fuck away from the sound of stupid laugh tracks - even at lower volume. It’s maddening.

Oh and I felt like I was going to barf last night, which would have been terrible time I move so slowly so they gave me a bucket and some anti-nausea meds.

I think the pressure dressing was part of that problem too, with every breath pulling down on my belly.

Drugs were given. Pain wandered off. Now just bored. Waiting for doctors to come and finally remove pressure dressing.

New nurse was talking about how I should be walking and was like “let us know if you’re light headed when you’re walking” to which I asked “am I supposed to be walking without you?” And he was like “…no”

I replied that I’d walk whenever he came to walk me.

I am a lean mean farting machine.

I magically convert food into farts…and boredom, so much boredom.

I got bored and asked to be taken for a walk. Went well, although got accidentally misgendered by assistant.

Breakfast came finally. I asked for fruit plate because I figured they couldn’t fuck it up. [Note: I’ve been editing out most of the complaints about the food.]

Eating is still uncomfortable with pressure bandage pulling against tummy.

In ~1hr pressure dressing will be removed. They are just waiting for some labs to come back. Then I get to walk and hopefully not bleed. Then - dear gods, I hope - I will get to be discharged.

I have never hated broadcast television more than I do right now.

It’s melting my brain and I’m not even watching it. Had to listen to three episodes of Andy Griffith show already. I don’t understand how it’s even on TV still.

They have removed the pressure dressing. I have a picture of my new bits! They are very bruised but otherwise doing well.

there is no more pressure on my tummy from the tape. I am so happy.

Unfortunately, they have given me MiraLAX which I now need to drink. I hate that stuff.

Drinking lots of it for my colonoscopy (unrelated), traumatized me.

⚠ The following photo includes fresh stitches, minor bleeding, and a catheter tube

First Photo After Removing Pressure Bandages

They said I’d be discharged today. I’m still waiting on I don’t know what for that to happen. Maybe we’re still waiting on the surgeon to say the photo looks good. Maybe you’re waiting on some other stuff. I thought the other stuff had already been taken care of.

They said someone would come to check if I was bleeding after walking. No-one did. Of course, no one asked me to go walking either.

And more positive news the old lady who listened to TV at maximum volume appears to have left.

Also, I have been instructed on how to empty my catheter. The very helpful nurse was trying to encourage me to get up and walk whenever I felt like it. Wanted me to work towards being more independent. Didn’t seem to really understand that that is not medically advised for me right now. Too much walking Will increase swelling.

They only want me to walk 150 to 200 steps a day.

I feel like the ultimate whiny kid but I just want to get out of here. I am so sick of listening to the beeping machines and other people’s televisions and laying here.

I want to go home and be with my wife and dogs because it feels like there is no point in me being here any longer. I’m just waiting for permission to go and being subjected to terrible food.

😭

Whine.

Kept having occasional little twinges of sharp pain, like a teeny poke with a needle. 🪡 couldn’t figure out why, so went hunting. Found the culprit.

It’s just the nerves doing their healing thing, but I think I just didn’t realize where the end of the stitches were.

Peeking Past Bandages

I’ve been officially discharged!

Of course, this means my wife is driving into the city during rush-hour and then back out shortly there after while it will still be going, but I don’t care that I will have to spend more time in the car.

Soon… soon I will be free! Soon I will have these IV things removed from my hands! So I will not have to listen to other people‘s televisions!

Side note: doctor from urology came and checked, and I have not been bleeding despite walking. So yay for that.

We made it to the Air BnB, and I pooped, which was unexpected, and huge, and lead to bleeding. Finally in bed and warm and blissfully quiet.

Tummy’s unhappy, but I’ll eat some bread soon and see how that goes.

Posts from May 22nd

Wifey piled blankets on me & gave me fuzzy socks because I was freezing, and black dog has been glued to me all night, with black and white dog splitting time between wifey and i.

My biggest problem is digestive. Intestines and tummy unhappy. Pain is completely managed with single Tylenol every 4 hrs which is 🤯 completely mind-blowing. Although the packing is an uncomfortable pressure.

(We’re in different bedrooms while I recover)

Black dog keeps wanting to hang out between my legs. I’m ok with this.

Turns out the only sensitive areas are pretty well protected, except for the catheter tube.

Was telling wifey that it doesn’t feel like anything’s changed. There is discomfort from the packing and from the catheter, but I never really felt much from that region anyways, and I don’t feel much from it right now.

when I do feel something from the nerves, they are still informing me that it is in the old configuration that is being touched. That’s not going to change until I start touching it and knowing what I’m touching.

I have seen the photo. Other people have seen the real thing and commented on it.

When I sat on the toilet and looked down there was no limp noodle. There were two swollen labia majora, which was cool but also doesn’t really tell me much.

From my angle it was just two bumps. Also I was very preoccupied with what was going on with my butt and how weird the stupid catheter tube feels.

I know things have changed, and yet it doesn’t feel like it.

I have every confidence that this will change once it is safe and healthy for me to start feeling around down there.

Until then, it’s just weird.

Side note: I can’t really look at it because my underwear is holding gauze rolls in place and those are holding the catheter in place, so everything of interest is completely obscured.

I don’t intend to remove the gauze until I have to poo or shower. I am not really bleeding and I don’t have an infinite supply of gauze logs.🪵

I have showered. It was exhausting, but I’m glad I did.

Still not touching my bits because everything is fragile and I don’t want to make anything less clean.

BUT I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and that was nice. Also, boobs, 😜

I thought I had to poo. I was wrong, but finding out involved removing things and accidentally wiggling the catheter, and now I have a very unhappy urethra.

Not having to get up to pee is pretty cool, but not cool enough to keep wearing one of these fuckers. I can’t wait until I get it removed Wednesday.

The packing is constantly uncomfortable and the catheter is usually not noticeable, but when it is it’s VERY noticeable and very unpleasant.

In other news: I read through the surgeons notes about the procedure they performed. I have no idea what 50% of the words mean, but as far as I can tell, they encountered no problems.

Also, I theoretically have a clit, clitoral hood, vagina, labia minora, and labia majora. I can only personally confirm the latter, and the fact that I am no longer the owner of a wet noodle… despite what some of my nerve endings might think.

Pretty happy about the no wet noodle part. That thing was annoying.

Posts from May 23rd

I am not cut out for bed rest. This is maddening. I need to move. Is 3:30 pm and every hour of sleep has been a struggle.

Also my lower back really hurts but I’m not allowed to lay on my side.

Somehow, I didn’t expect laying in bed to be the hardest part of recovery.

Posts from May 24th (w/pic)

Got some disposable post-partum underwear from Target. Large elastic things. Tried it out last night to see how it compares to the ones the hospital sent me home with.

Woke up with serious sensory issues from how snug they are. Too tight on my skin, and they pulled the gauze logs 🪵 too tight against me.

Probably fine for allistic people.

I brought a bunch of normal panties I can wear after Wednesday morning, when I get rid of the catheter and can switch to pads for the tiny bit of blood.

catheters still suck, but repeated tests have shown that I can poop all by myself, just like the big kids. 👧

I dunno why, but anything that results in significant catheter wiggling just exhausts me.

Decided I’m taking daily showers anyway just because it’s something I can do that involves standing up for a while, doesn’t use up my limited step budget, and feels good.

Got some good photos today. Thought I’d update status for anyone planning on getting a surgery like this.

~5.5 days since surgery

Bleeding: ~1/2 teaspoon a day
Bruising: lots
Swelling: plenty but well within expectations
Pain: none at site w/ minimal tylenol
Bowels: happy. Pooping daily
Mobility: great (all things considered)

Other: Random pain in outer right thigh. Nurse says it’s not clot but also 🤷‍♀️ I have significant numbness in inner right thigh, as well as catheter discomfort, and internal discomfort from swelling.

[Future edit: The bruises in this picture look miserable. You’d expect this to feel absolutely miserable. It didn’t. A single Tylenol really was enough to address the soreness.]

Heavy bruising and Catheter Tube

Commentary: Pain levels feel too good to be true. Had “oh shit“ moment wondering if no pain was related to numbness. It’s not. Just thigh & a little area on upper right pubic mound. Clearly nerve damage but nerves heal on unpredictable timescales so who knows when / if this will improve. Labia majoria have good sensitivity but I’ve been careful to only touch during my freak out.

Looks: 🤷‍♀️ too swollen to guess.

New neovaginas are NOT pretty things. Like really. There’s something in there that looks like a chrysalis & I have no idea if it’s clit or labia minora. Not willing to touch yet to find out. That means no spreading to see either.

[Future Edit: It’s the labia minora.]

Random: 150 steps a day is a ridiculously low number and mentally hard to deal with. My lower back is also regularly pissed. And my sleep is effed.

Long showers are the bestest physical and mental health thing I’ve found.

The head of my 🍆 itches. I started to reach out and scratch it. 🤦‍♀️

Fortunately I stopped myself before I touched anything (especially the damn catheter) but then I realized I have no idea where the eff to address that itch anyway.🤔

Posts from Day 25th

I pooped and then took a shower. It did not end well.

TIL that there’s an implicit connection between catheter wiggles and executive dysfunction. Wiggle it enough times in a short enough period and you can no longer make decisions… or I can’t at least.

Week 2

Posts from May 26th

Woke up this morning having an erotic dream and feeling my bits responding.

Hasn’t happened in ages.

Also seems unlikely my testosterone levels have gone up, although my blood pressure isn’t being pushed down by Spiro anymore.

Was also odd in that - having not touched anything (stitches still there and still bleeding ) - I don’t really know what’s going on down there when this happens. There’s a feeling of pressure - which is probably being effected by the packing - from some erectile tissue somewhere, but I don’t know where & the nerves will keep sending confusing signals until I get the go ahead to start fondling things & retraining my brain.

I’m like “well something’s happening & it feels interesting but…” 🤷‍♀️

In other news: 📰

Discovered some discharge this morning (puss?). Called home health care nurse agency for advice and they’re sending someone today instead of tomorrow, so yay for having resources to help.

No symptoms of infection elsewhere in body. So I’m not worried, but I’m unwilling to brush off infection stuff and hope it’ll fix itself

Woohoo! 🎉 nurse says is reasonable discharge given location and doesn’t look like an infection.

Also noted that my swelling and bruising have gone down greatly and that that means things will be more sensitive which would explain increased discomfort with catheter wiggles.

Related: the saline water she used for some cleaning was very cold. 🥶

Also nurse suggested that my leg pain was likely due to placement of straps on leg during surgery and may take a few weeks to stop.

[Future edit: It went away eventually. I think it took about 2 weeks.]

Took another shower. It was a learning experience.

Lesson 1

Needed to shave above cooch because the intersection of autistic skin sensitivities and constant pressure and shifting from gauze log 🪵 on hairs is 😭.

Used electric razor but there’s swelling, the top of the stitches is right there at the edge of what I’m shaving, & I can’t see anything clearly that far away. Hands were shaking as a result.

Don’t think I will need to redo soon but will ask wifey to do it if I do.

Lesson 2

Tylenol was scheduled for 30 mins later. I should have waited until after that was taken and kicked in.

At end of 4hrs I can feel throbbing and more discomfort even when laying around. Showering plus increased sensitivity from less swelling + increased sensitivity from basically no pain meds + shower = groin that feels like I did kegel exercises with 20lb dumbbells attached.

It occurs to me that they gave me a dilator and I have yet to look at it.

Honestly I wasn’t expecting one. Most minimal depth girlies don’t need to dilate, and he sacrificed depth for labia so I’m really shallow (theoretically).

I think the swelling was hiding more pain than I realized. Currently have Tylenol and Advil coursing through my veins and still feel uncomfortable throbbing. And when I move the catheter is more likely to make me make bad sounds. I think the swelling may have been helping hold it in a specific position.

I forsee a THC+CBD gummy being added to bedtime regiment tonight.

Posts from May 27th Catheter Removal Day

Took the THC+CBD gummy. Sleep came fast and easy but dang… I was not a fan of those brief moments of semi-consciousness between REM cycles.

I do NOT enjoy altered mental states. At least not the recreational drug induced kind.

Nurse suggested I update doc with photo re discharge yesterday.

He just responded:

There is a little bit of breakdown on the backwall. We’ll take a look tomorrow. Minimize movement. Overall looks amazing!

We have no idea what “breakdown” or “backwall” mean here but. 🤷‍♀️ we’ll find out tomorrow and “looks amazing” is good.

[Future edit: Breakdown meant ripped stitches. Backwall was just what they call the area at the bottom of the V. I don’t know why.]

For two days now by body has been convinced that my 🍆 is laying vertically up my abdomen and it’s driving me buggy.

I am honestly, a little afraid that my 🧠 will be stuck, thinking this until I am allowed to touch my bits freely and that might be a week or two for all I know. 😨

I guess I will find out tomorrow.

It’s a weird, icky, and somewhat dysphoria inducing sensation, and I don’t like it.

Posts from Day 28th

I am back at the AirB&B doing something I’ve been dreaming of for days now: laying here with nothing on my lower half save socks.

My autistic skin sensory issues have been so SO upset about having underwear and gauze rolls pressed against my crotch and hips for 9 days with only brief breaks for showering.

IT IS FUCKING GLORIOUS

I’m allowed to touch myself!

Was also instructed to gently clean the various folds and such out with q-tips.

Going to wait until after I shower later, but I am thrilled to begin The Great Nerve Remapping Project.

[Future edit: I did actually draw a little diagram noting which bits of penile tissue ended up where, but it turned out to be far less interesting than I’d hoped.]

She said clit may be hypersensitive for a while and not so enjoyable to touch. Also I should expect~6 weeks until all the stitches are healed and no more bleeding.

So the quest for the Next Great Orgasm will have to wait. 😢

This was expected, but…

9 days out, there’s enough swelling in the labia majora still that my urethra has no hope of sending a stream straight out. Instead it’s like someone’s pointing a garden sprayer at my anus and everything in between gets wet.

This would be vaguely humorous, except that the only open wound I have is at the bottom of the my vagina. I.e. directly in that path.

I left my upside down peri bottle at home. 🤦‍♀️ Should have another tomorrow.

Cleaned with Q-tips. Can confirm there will be no Happy Fun Times involving Ms. Clit for quite some time.

Mostly “hypersensitive” but there’s one spot right by a stitch that’s “FAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!!” When you barely brush it. It’s been maybe ten minutes and I can still feel the ghost of that touch.

But hey. On the upside: nerves seem to be working there. 👍😄

Posts from Day 29th

Bladder control seems to be 👍. Almost had an accident last night though because after ~9 days with the catheter I’d learned to just relax when I felt the need to pee.

Felt the need to pee as I was about to lie in bed. Started to relax. Then brain was shouting “NOOOOO!” and I managed to clamp down and not wet myself.

Physician’s Assistant said stitches will probably take about 6 weeks to heal. Also said that things will likely be hypersensitive until a little before then. So, masturbation should poorly wait until then.

UNFORTUNATELY my adrenal gland appears to be freaking out about the sudden decrease in testosterone from testes and is overcompensating and making me horny AF. Especially when I wake up (nap or night).

😭SO HORNY, but touching would hurt terribly and probably damage something.😭😭😭

Unexpected Notes From Horniness (extra TMI)

I identify as a lesbian. The idea of being fucked by a guy is a massive turn-off.

However, for the next couple days I wanted nothing more than to be fucking railed by a big hard cock. I desperately wanted to masturbate too. Looking back on this from 12 weeks out, I’m very glad I resisted the temptation. If this happens to you, trust me, you definitely should not try at this point. Just deal with being horny.

Today I got to experience the “wonderful” bit of puberty (2nd) where a young woman learns the hard way how to place a pad so that it’s far enough forwards to get all the stuff at the top and far enough back to get all the stuff at the bottom.

There’s a reason I’m wearing disposable underwear. 🩲

I wouldn’t say this experience is necessarily “euphoria giving“ but it is making me smile. This is helped by the fact that I know I won’t have to deal with the quantities of 🩸 that a teen girl does.

Status update: labia majora swelling has gone down enough that:

I can see most of the labia minora when spreading my legs
I’m only peeing in the right side of myself
I wasn’t afraid to spread things enough during special cleaning to access my vaginal canal and clean it with a q-tip

We have applied Manuka Honey 🍯 (as per physician suggestion) to where the stitches pulled apart at the bottom.

I am non-jokingly afraid of ants 🐜 in my current location.

Still can’t play around with my bits, so still getting weird signals. 🧠 keeps telling me that my 🍆 is laying weird and I need to adjust it.

🤦‍♀️

I can’t wait for day 42 when I can (hopefully) fondle things, if for no other reason than to get my brain to stop giving me stupid misinformation about my genitalia.

Thought while I got ready for bed:

Despite the cost and discomfort, I have a vagina, and that’s incredible, and amazing, and wonderful.

And it would have never been possible without the years of incredible support my wife has given me. She is incredible, and amazing and wonderful too.

I’m a very VERY lucky girl in so many ways. I’ll try to not lose sight of that.

Posts from May 30th (w/ pic)

Interesting observation re waking up horny.

Pre-hormones: morning wood was frustrating and dysphoria inducing

On HRT: it just didn’t happen, and that made me very happy.

Post-op (w/ adrenal gland overcompensating): I just feel horny with no negative anything. Well, none beyond my inability to do anything about it.

Nurse came by. Then I applied honey 🍯 (so weird) and took updated pics. Things are healing SO fast. It’s a little hard to believe.

I’ve decided I’m not going to share pics (at least not here) but I want to because I just can’t convey how fucking impressive this is, and I want to be like “holy shit! Look at how amazing this is!”

Pretty sure most folks would be grossed out by the early day pics with all the swelling and bruising and bulgy Frankenstein stitches.

[Future Edit: this post is all about the pics, so here you go.]

⚠ While not bloody this does show a small open wound where the stitches have ripped.

Week 1 Healing Progress

The orange goo near the bottom of the V is just honey. I forgot to take the picture before applying it. The labia minora are pretty swolen still.

Deep cleaning status update:

swelling continues to decrease visibly every day.
was able to spread labia minora enough to see into where my urethra is hiding. Still haven’t found it, but lighting wasn’t great.
vaginal canal / “dimple” continues to be the source of most blood (i think) And is VERY sensitive in a way can’t explain yet.
anything made with the corona continues to be uncomfortably hypersensitive

Posts from May 31st

Status update: nothing particularly notable today. Just continued gradual improvement.

Full night’s sleep with stress dreams related to inability to position my bottom half as I want, and real desire to go home.

Been low energy and grumpy 😾 all day. Had a video call with friends we haven’t spoken with in months. It exhausted me.

I had a minor accident trying to sit on the bathtub edge. Ripped open multiple stitches at the bottom of the V. Left a disturbing blood splatter on the tile.

Bleeding hasn’t continued notably.

🤞Hoping they’ll have me come in to fix it Monday as it looks significantly worse like this.

[Future Edit: It gets worse, and I later learned that it’s not safe to re-stitch a wound that has ripped open if the rip is just superficial like mine was.]

⚠ Warning: this photo contains minor blood in the open wound where the bottom of the V has ripped farther open.

Ripped Stitches - The beginning

Posts from June 1st

Massive relief.

Messaged surgeon a pic and explanation, then messaged his Physicians Assistant when I couldn’t find a working number for the office.

He asked me to call scheduling woman (wonderful lady) and ask her to get me in first thing Monday. 🎉

Left her a voicemail. Hasn’t happened yet, but 🤞

Was afraid it was going to get blown off since it will heal fine, it just won’t heal pretty. I’ve read too many horror stories of uncaring surgeons.

Week 3

Posts from June 2nd (heading home + doctor’s visit)

Have avoided looking at my cooch today. I know it’s not THAT bad but I’m afraid anyway.

Misread Dr.’s note. He wasn’t asking for me to have her schedule something first thing in the morning. He was asking me to talk to her first thing in the morning to schedule something. 🤦‍♀️ needless to say she hasn’t called back yet, but I suspect a call early morning.

…

Physician’s assistant took one look at it. Said “it’s already healing up” advised me to keep putting Manuka honey on it and sent me on my way.

Not entirely thrilled with this outcome, but on the other hand, no new stitches.

OK so, this is a little silly, but before surgery I bought a bunch of underwear, the kinds I couldn’t really wear with dangly bits.

The plan was to ride home wearing my “celebratory underwear”. Well I’m basically not bleeding today and we’re heading home shortly so …

Side note: feeling annoyingly useless as wifey packs the entire car by herself since I’m not allowed to lift anything > 10lbs (4.5Kg) and I’m pretty sure I’m already way over my step limit for the day.

On top of that, I can’t even drive us home. :/

Posts from June 3rd (w/pic)

I don’t know what things looked like when I went into the doctor today. I hadn’t taken a photo yesterday or this morning.

But, for reasons, I just took one now, and I have ripped so many stitches open.

There is a ripped open area under my vagina that looks like the fucking Joker’s smile (without exaggeration).

Things are mostly healed , as stitches heal from the inside out, but I fear I may have really fucked things up aesthetically…

⚠ Warning wide wound where stitches unraveled. No blood, but very unpleasant to look at. I recommend not looking.

The rip got wider

I first I thought it was the extra physical exertion today in helping as I could too leave the AirBnB BUT I realized that I basically haven’t bled at all today. Just a tiny bit of spotting.

I think things may have just unraveled between the initial rip and this morning.

That is an incredibly disturbing thought. I don’t like it.

In the morning, I will email the person who looked at me today, and ask her what she saw. Not that it changes anything, but…

As an aside, it has been explained to me that getting stitches to pull things back together the way they were was never really a thing they could do. There is too high of a risk of stitching bad microscopic things into / under your skin in this scenario.

Good news, bad news.

Good news: despite the fact that I have completely forgotten to medicate myself all day today, my cooch does not hurt.

Bad news: I’ve also forgotten to hydrate myself all day, and my head really hurts. 🤦‍♀️

Bonus, annoyed news: I’m really sick of having to lay down and re-apply honey every time I pee because I’m still peeing all over myself and washing away the honey with either the pee, or the peri bottle as a wash myself afterwards.

Also, I lost my underwear. I know where new underwear is, but that’s not the point. I had a pair of underwear to put on after I applied honey and then life happened and now I don’t know where that pair of underwear has gone.

At my dog suggestion, I got my ass out of bed again. I went to hang out in our plant room, which doesn’t have many plans these days.

The cat came and found me. In the process of getting into this position, she made sure to shove at least three of her feet directly onto my healing cooch.

It was not pleasant. I did not make happy sounds. That’s I don’t know if it was all 4 feet.

I was squeezing my legs together, unconsciously & was putting pressure on my groin, which caused my brain to inform me that my left testicle is being uncomfortably compressed.

🤦‍♀️

I understand the confusing nerve input about penis bits because some of them still exist and are wired up and I am unable to retrain my 🧠 yet, but this is just weird. Even more so because when I spread my legs in response, the sensation went away. 🤔

When swelling is really bad the difference between yesterday and today can be pretty obvious, but after two weeks I have passed that point.

Now my barometer for how much the swelling has gone down is how much I pee on myself when I go to the bathroom.

I’ve gone from garden hose spray of all things below, to strong trickle down one side. So… progress. 🎉

Today I kept getting seconds of nothing on me and getting excited. Someday soon I shall pee without having to wash myself afterwards. 🤞

Posts from June 4th

sexy dream things

Took a nap. Woke up horny again. Why when I wake up?!

First waking was good and bad because I was dreaming I was masturbating and SO close to coming 😸 but then I woke up and couldn’t touch myself to finish the job 😾

So my 🧠 doubled down on taunting me.

Second time a recurring dream visitor tried to seduce me (very successfully) and it almost hurt to push her away and tell her no because I hadn’t discussed it with wifey.

2 thoughts

I appreciate that my subconscious won’t cheat either, but gods damn it I’m so ducking horny & can’t do anything! When is this going back to normal?!
why do I have a recurring visitor in my dreams who keeps trying to seduce me? I don’t think she ever talks, but I am confident we know each other pretty well. Which makes sense given that I’m demisexual. A stranger trying to seduce me wouldn’t get anywhere even in my dreams.

And since i’m already deep in TMI territory…

The most physically uncomfortable part of this whole fucking thing has been my autistic skin hypersensitivity going absolutely insane about having underwear on me almost 24/7. My pubic mound is so very, VERY uncomfortable I keep having to just take off my underwear and sit here with nothing touching it.

So I’ve spent a lot of time laying with everything covered except my crotch. Soooo frustrating and uncomfortable

lying around without underwear

I can’t sleep without underwear though because I can’t guarantee my butt will stay on the pee pad and i’d mess up a pillow between my legs.

Today I tried shaving extra extra well so there would be no little hairs for the underwear to brush against, and wearing normal underwear instead of the temporary underwear and wearing a thinner pad. I was just throwing everything at it, hoping it would work, but now I am laying here with my cooch exposed to the world again.

Posts from June 5th

Status Update: My labia minora no longer look like overinflated worms practicing Shibari! Instead they look like… labia minora 🎉

Ok, technically the bottom bits are still a bit “inflated” looking but overall, it’s amazing and I’m so effing happy.

Ripped stitches are healing well.

[Future edit: See the picture on June 7th]

I’m no longer bleeding on anything. Instead I’m “honeying”. I’m not applying it after peeing in the middle of the night, but other than that I’m being a good girl and always applying afterwards.

I’m still upset about not being aware of how much depth I would be sacrificing in order to have pretty labia, BUT I think he may have done a tremendous job on the aesthetics. Although, there’s something weird going on with my right labia minora in that it seems to just blend into my clit. That seems unlikely to be what’s really going on because why would he/they do that? Hard to be sure because pushing my clit around for a better look-see is guarantee to not feel good because of that one stitch.

Posts from June 6th

Another day, another chance to be completely blown away by the human body’s ability to heal.

I’m ~50. I don’t heal even remotely as quickly as I did in my 20s and yet every morning, I can see visible improvements at the surgical site.

Wifey had not seen for a couple days and happened to bring me something as I was applying honey last night. The “wow” and look of surprise on her face when she saw the recent changes was humorous, and also helped confirm that I wasn’t just being overly hopeful.

Deep Cleaning Discovery: Things seemed healed enough to try spreading more and getting a better look. Turns out, that really sensitive bit that I thought was my clit, but oddly seemed to flow into my right labia minora? Turns out, that’s not my clit. That’s just a puffy side of my clitoral hood. I found the real deal hidden up inside. Haven’t seen it, but i definitely felt it. So, woo hoo! Can’t wait to have fun with that.

Honestly I was trying to find my urethra, to better understand why I’m still peeing on myself. Still haven’t found that. I suspect that my eyesight’s just too poor to see it with a mirror (too far away) and I’m gonna have to ask wifey to get all up in there and investigate after the stitches are gone.

Side note: I know this is ridiculous given the circumstances, but I feel so stupid being ~50 years old and suddenly discovering my own clit, or mistaking labia for it.

Posts from June 7th (w/pic)

still waking up horny as a teen-ager. Still incapable of doing anything about it.

~23 days left until stitches are all dissolved. 😭

[Future Edit: that date passed a while ago, so many stitches left in me. 😭😭😭]

In other news: wifey gave me a thick pillow to shove between my legs so that i can sleep on my side.

I seem to be spending the whole night with it there as i rotate between my back and other side.

Feels a little silly waking up with a giant pillow sticking up between your legs.

I’ve decided to go without a pad or honey today. I think i’m getting a rash down by my 🍑🕳 from too much moisture. 🤔 Maybe i need to blow-dry the area after rinsing myself (peri bottle) after every pee. ugh. I’ve just been using a towell for drying since getting home, but maybe not thoroughly enough. 🙁

Note: If you looked at the last one, I promise this one is a lot better. The wound is almost entirely sealed up.

Swelling be going down

Posts from June 8th

I forgot to put on a glove while applying honey.

The results were entirely predictable . 😾

Week 4

Honestly, this looks worse than the last one. Don’t click.

Week Four Status Photo

The black spot at the bottom of the V is a stitch. The small rip near the top of the left arm of the V hides a stitch. The swelling is just pushing the flesh out around it.

Posts from June 9th

I didn’t wake up horny AF this morning!

Progress! Or… or just a one-off. Only time will tell. 🤷‍♀️

🤔 just realized that that’s a kinda weird thing to be excited about.

“Hooray. I wasn’t horny!” - me

Doubly so in a world where most folks seem pretty obsessed with sex. I mean, I’m a fan too but like… under the right circumstances. When the vibe is right. Not like “hey stranger. you’ve got a hot bod. let’s fuck.” My demi ass can’t fathom that anymore.

I’d been working towards hair free bits, but hadn’t completed the long process before surgery.

This morning I was thinking how much I was looking forward to being able to get my cooch hairs lazered because there are some now that I’m really not thrilled about attempting to shave.

This evening I remembered I’d have to shave them to get them lasered. 🤦‍♀️

Posts from June 11th

just had a realization that I should have had a while ago

base facts: I’m having to keep things as dry as possible to deal with this rash. I’m putting honey on my ripped stitches to aid in healing. When I have honey on me I have to wear underwear and a pad to keep from accidentally honeying things. Underwear and pad help trap in moisture.

realization: The rash is a massive pain in the ass. Literally and figuratively. The only downside to pausing honey, is longer healing time on the stitches. There are a LOT of downsides to anything that increases the time it takes getting rid of this rash, and most of them are REALLY uncomfortable.

If i stop putting on honey (temporarily) I can run around with no underwear (I have pee pads on the sitting places just in case of whatever) and get maximal exposure and drying time.

I’m going commando baby!

Going Commando

I seem to have accidentally deleted the original unpixelated version of this.

my crotch has been pixelated.

In the distance you can see a flower bouquet.

[Future edit: Going commando felt nice, but it didn’t help with the rash. The only thing that helped was when I finally got some baby powder.]

Posts from June 12th

rashes suck.
rashes between your ass cheeks suck more.
babies with diaper rash deserve more empathy
still peeing on myself. Still getting gradually better but it’s a slow improvement now. Spraying myself down with a peri-bottle afterwards & the resulting moisture is probably half of the problem with the rash.

Posts from June 14th

having trouble focusing
baby powder seems to be helping rash but it’s slow going
got exhausted after taking shower and doing minor tasks afterwards that mostly involved standing up
sat vertically while getting into a recliner and it didn’t feel terrible.
tired of not participating in life.

Posts from June 15th

I woke up feeling like I’d crossed another healing threshold. Things just feel more “normal” today. The rash is finally uner control, and my vulva looks so good.

I think the swelling is completely gone in my labia minora, and mostly gone in the labia majora. I finally have a good sense of what his work will look like in the end. I asked for pretty, visible labia, and he’s done a spectacular job.

I’m still healing where I ripped stitches, but it looks healthy, and now that the rash is under control I’m willing to take a chance and start applying honey again even though that means wearing underwear and pads again.

I want to share pics and be like “OMG Look Look! Isn’t this amazing!” but also, I don’t want to be sharing pussy pics on social media. Doubly so when there is still unpleasant looking section where the stitches have ripped.

Week 5

Things are technically healing, but in some ways it also looks worse. I recommend not clicking.

Week 5 Status Photo

Swelling has gone down, but that’s revealed the stitch at the top left of the V and the black spot at the bottom of the V has revealed more of the actual stitch. I’m happy with the progress, but it doesn’t look good.

Posts from Day June 16th

I’m so weak. I think i’ve lost muscle mass everywhere it’s possible to loose muscle mass.

I hate exercise, but I think that once I can, I’m going to have to start actually committing time to it. Otherwise I’ll continue to have the stamina of a… thing with very little stamina.

blerg. I was told that even at the 2 month mark I still shouldn’t use even the elyptical, and that’s about as low impact as you can get and still involve the legs.

😮‍💨

Posts from June 17th:

rash is under control. Hard to tell if completely gone because skin color between butt cheeks has always been darker than surrounding skin. Continuing to be vigilant with drying and use baby powder.
really REALLY sick of process of keeping everything dry after using the bathroom
healing around un-ripped stitches looks amazing. ripped area still making slow progress.
no-one tells you that keeping a pad against your vulva 24hrs a day will make it all gross and sweaty. 😝

In other news, I think I finally caught sight of my urethra. 🎉 Except, it seems to be pointed forwards, not out. If I’m right… well I’m pretty much guaranteed to always have messy bathroom visits which… I’m just going to hope I’m wrong on that. My surgeon IS a urologist, so 🤞 he didn’t eff that up.

I’ll revisit this issue after the stiches are all gone. Right now i’m being extra cautious about not spreading things wide and accidentally ripping stitches, so the view is a bit compromised.

[Future edit: I wasn’t right. It’s pointed the way it should be.]

Week 6

Finally not disturbing to look at, although there is still a little healing to be done at the bottom of the V.

Week 6 Status Photo

The labia minora look pretty normal at this point except for the odd stitching weirdness on one of the. When I took this I thought the swelling was mostly gone. I was wrong. There’s still a fair amount of swelling that will go down.

Posts from June 23rd

waking up horny stopped after roughly 3.5 weeks. Libido has returned to normal (hardly any).
have been dealing with a weird discomfort for about a week but it hasn’t shown up today, so 🤞
there are lots of stiff suture ends poking out inside of me. occasionally uncomfortable. incredibly off-putting when I feel like exploring. ~1wk left until they’re all disolved.
sitting is getting gradually less uncomfortable.

I wouldn’t say this is giving me “trans joy” per-se. More trans relief, trans contentment, trans finally-ness.

Deep sigh of relief.

Posts from June 26th

One of the most surprising things about my surgery is how “normal” everything feels. Sure, there are details that are different and things I’m still learning, but you’d thinking that suddenly not dangly bits would take some getting used to. But, I’ve never felt like “wow it’s weird not having that there anymore”. It’s just weirdly… normal feeling. That idea seems so implausible to me, and yet…

body has closed up / sealed off all the ripped stitches except for a bit the width of my index finger at the bottom of the V
still disturbing to slide a finger in and feel all the sutures that are tied off in there. Stiff little fibers poking out. Sometimes I’ll shift and they’ll poke me from in there.
sitting up’s still uncomfortable without donut, or very squishy chair.
keep feeling like i’ve recently slammed a hard bicycle seat into my perineum

Posts from June 27th

The problem with taking a picture of your vulva every day is that you go to open the photos app on your phone later that day and get a jump-scare like “HOSHIT VULVA!!” because I don’t reallly expect to see amateur porn looking images in my photos album.

Then I have to remind myself to “Hide” the image.

side note: why Apple? Why can’t I have private albums? PLURAL Without some weird gyrations to get things in there?

Posts from June 28th

I think maybe, maaaaybe I’ll be able to stop applying honey in a couple days. Everything’s so close to being healed across the top. 🤞

Still feeling discomfort when I walk / do too much. Stairs seem to be especially prone to making things uncomfortable. Every now and then I’ll take a Tylenol to address that, but it’s not really bad. it’s more, why be in discomfort if you don’t need to be, and NOT being in discomfort will help healing.

Week 7

Week 7 Status Photo

The white you see at the bottom of the V here is almost entirely reflected light. In fact there’s very little white there.

June 30th (Dr’s Checkup)

A friend took the day off of work to drive me the ~4hrs into Manhattan, and ~4hrs back. We haven’t spent a lot of time together since Covid so it was nice to catch up.

Riding in the car was fine as long as I stayed extremely reclined.

Met with the Physicians Assitant

She seemed quite pleased with the healing. Despite how good the labia minora look there’s still a fair amount of expected swelling going on behind the scenes.

My urethra’s pointed the right way, & peeing will continue to get less messy as swelling goes down.

Things are going well enough that there’s no need to make the trip to NYC again in 2-3 months

There are still a LOT of stiches poking out inside, but she didn’t hesitate to reach in spread things wide when investigating. So, I don’t need to be as delicate with everything as I have been.

Posts from July 1st

Very TMI neovagina surprises

Happy Surprises

My pussy smells like pussy.
Stick a finger inside, and it feels all slick and moist like a normal pussy.
When aroused, the output of the cowpers gland (makes ‘pre-cum’) is plenty sufficent to play with yourself.
How ridiculously “normal” the new configuration of bits feels.
How effing good it looks even just 6 weeks out.

Posts from July 4th

I’ve found blow-drying my crotch and butt-crack after a shower to be very effective in the fight against rash from sweaty bits squished against me pre-surgery, and extra-cautious maintenance post-surgery.

After six weeks, I find my 🧠 is still throwing out confused ⚠️warnings because my subsconscious can’t understand why it’s not feeling anything on the dangly bits as the warm air blows over me.

🤦‍♀️

Week 8

Finally everything’s healed over!

Week 8 Status Photo

Labia minora doing funky curvy things.

Posts from July 8th

Mildly Disturbing Mental imagery re stitches

Stitches are supposed to take ~6 weeks to dissolve. Sometimes less, sometimes more. It’s been 7.

Problem is that sticking my finger inside myself becomes more disturbing every time I wash. So many stitches tied off in there - especially in the “dimple” - that it feels like pressing my finger into a slippery coarse-hair brush that muscles are pressing into my finger. I have to psyche myself up to wash in there, and it feels wildly Wrong™

I know this will pass. I know they will dissolve, but in the meantime I’ve been developing serious mental hurdles about interacting with anything below the surface. Fortunately the hurdles are tied to the sensation of the “bristles” but I have no doubt there’ll be some spillover that lingers after they’re gone.

Even writing this makes me want to shudder.

Things will get better. This will pass… eventually. I just have to persevere.

Posts from July 9th

Today was… difficult. Things hurt, and I was exhausted, but as i awkwardly struggled to get out of my chair right now, and accidentally pointed my bare ass at the window I thought “but I’ve got a great vagina”

So. Yeah.

Worth it.

Posts from July 12th

My groin has been sore for days. I don’t really understand why. I’ve been taking extra care to not push things since it started but… 🤷‍♀️

New phase of healing i guess. I remember the dr. saying something about swelling interfering with the ability to feel certain discomforts. I wonder if this is more of the same. Like the swelling has reduced enough on some internal stuff that I can now feel things I couldn’t before.

Week 9

More gradual healing.

Week 9 Status Photo

The scar looks shiny because I’d just applied scar gel.

Posts from July 17th

Two (+ a bit) month update:

My default state seems to be “somewhat sore” lately.
orgasm is achievable but really difficult because of the soreness, and the fact that reaching inside is a major turn-off with all those stitches still undissolved.
found a site that claims some of the more robust stitches can take up to 6 months to dissolve. I’m not expecting that since my doc’s assistant predicted more like 6 weeks, but we’re closing in on 9 weeks now…

Theoretically folks can go back to their desk jobs around the 2 month mark, so I’ve been putting that to the test in the mornings by going downstairs to my office. It’s been great to finally get back there, but I haven’t lasted beyond lunch.

I can’t sit in a normal chair without a donut and sitting straight is doable but time limited. So, I’m leaning back, but that doesn’t work great with a donut.

I feel bad for anyone who has to go back after 2 months. It’s doable, but not comfortable.

Today I pushed how far I can walk when someone came to talk about helping clean up our flower beds. I didn’t even go far, but I bailed early and let Wifey finish off the conversation without me.

Now I’m back upstairs after lunch feeling regret.

Posts from July 20th

Body: Hey. How about a sharp stabby pain to the cooch? Me: Um. No thank you. Body: tough shit. 🔪🔪🔪

Apparently I have attempted to do too much yesterday & today. I have retired upstairs, to lay on my back, and taken a Tylenol.

Week 10

Week 10 Status Plus Inside Look

Things are healing nicely. If you look closely at the top of the labia minora you can see a tiny white stitch getting ready to come loose.

I don’t really know what to call this bit of flesh behind the clitoral hood. If it’s my clit it’s a very long clit. If not, then I don’t know what it is. Unfortunately even two weeks after this I can’t really tell because of the stitches and swelling in there.

[Future edit: Not my clit. Just swollen labia minora.]

It was somewhere during week 10 that the sensation when I pee no longer felt notable. It’s just become “normal”.

Posts from July 21st

9 week update:

inside still filled with stitches 😢
felt like yesterday was first real setback after pushing self too hard day before
Managed a whole day in office chair without it feeling notable
still can’t sit in chair comfortable without donut
still sleeping in different bed because sleep schedule still completely effed
daily soreness decreasing overall

Posts from July 23rd

We were just having one of our morning, breakfast discussions and came to the realization that despite being over 50 years old, I am only today learning that I don’t actually I have an understanding of the concept of pain that matches up with anyone else else’s.

While, I think I was in essentially no pain after surgery I may have actually been at a three or four? For like a month?

Why did no-one ever give me a pain scale with descriptive words?

Apparently most everything i call “discomfort” other people consider mild(ish) forms of “pain”

I still don’t understand, and I don’t actually know what to do about it, but apparently that’s a thing.

In related news: Yesterday evening I was laying on the couch, experiencing a pretty decent amount of “discomfort” in my ingual canals, and unconsciously attempted to adjust my (tucked) testicles… that don’t exist. 🤦‍♀️

All this came about because wifey said “People who haven’t had major surgery don’t generally have a concept of real pain”‡ And I responded that I had had major surgery, but hadn’t actually experienced any notable pain so I guess I still didn’t.

There’s so much shit that everyone assumes “everybody knows” but never actually gets discussed.

– ‡ paraphrased, & chronic pain had already been discussed

Posts from July 24th

I wanted to be helpful, so I tried to make waffles today. I gathered all the ingredients, then made sure to sit down while mixing everything I could.

By the time I was done melting butter and warming milk my groin was very unhappy.

It’s so frustrating. I feel mostly fine when I’m just siting around and it’s driving me buggy not helping.

Then, both batches of waffles came out all dark and terrible smelling. We haven’t figured out why.

Week 11

Week 11 Status Photo

Posts from July 28th

Week 10 update: Week 9… was not good. Doing too much walking and stairs 2 Saturdays ago set me back, and I keep thinking I’m ok again, but i’m not, and i try to do things and the end result is that after feeding dogs, and cleaning catbox, I couldn’t sit in my office chair for 2hrs today.

Gave up. went upstairs to take drugs, and flop on my back

Posts from August 7th

In 4 days it will have been 3 months since the surgery. That’s when you’re theoretically ready to start doing regular activities again. I’m not there, but it’s frustrating because I generally feel fine. I want to help run around doing things, but I can’t.

I made waffles this weekend and all the little back and forth this weekend made me ache & by the end I had no fucks left to give.

I circumnavigated the house yesterday & went to the end of the driveway & back. I felt the results for a while afterwards.

But, I can sit at my desk all day now as long as I have my donut. Normal walking around the house in short bursts doesn’t really bother me unless I’ve pushed myself too far doing something specific. So that’s good.

Stairs still have way more of an effect afterwards than I expect. I don’t notice anything when using them.

More Stitches TMI and negative mental health stuff

The region is very sensitive once you gain access, but as soon as I do I’m touching the Upper Bristle Forest (UBF) which is situated directly against incredibly sensitive flesh.

Stitches do seem to finally be starting to dissolve in there, but the UBF is like a patch of really stiff 2 day beard stubble, except it’s pressed against the most sensitive part of your anatomy.

Sticking a finger in there is the most disturbing un-erotic thing I’ve ever felt.

Between it and the Lower Bristle Forest (LBF) in the front of my dimple (dorsal side of anterior wall) I don’t really know what I feel like inside.

Again, stitches were supposed to be dissolved in 6 weeks. At the current rate I expect at least 1mo more before they’re gone. Prolly 2.

Cleaning is an unpleasant “get in. get out” operation.

TMI Masturbation

Orgasm is achievable but physically hampered because I can’t touch anything inside without rubbing bristles. So, I just have to rub my vulva which means wiggling the nearby scar tissue back and forth which, makes me feel sore, which isn’t really a turn-on.

The clitoral tissue is definitely doing its job, but if I don’t reach inside it’s separated by nearly 1cm of tissue that gets compressed when rubbing so it’s anything but “direct” stimulation.

Week 12 Three Months

All the week 12 photos were shown in the summary at the top, but here’s the status photo since you’re so far away from the top of the page now.

Week 12 status photo

What’s notable here is how the labia minora are no longer doing the curvy thing so much as a mirrored V shape. It seems to vary from day to day what they’ll be doing when I take a picture.

And here’s a somewhat silly picture showing how I do maintenance with a mirror held between my feet.

How I do maintenance

So, how are things going after three months of healing?

Pretty well. Most days I wake up feeling fine, or feeling mildly sore. Walking fast causes soreness, walking too much causes soreness, sitting on any firm seat or surface without a donut is uncomfortable. Lots of walking in a short amount of time causes soreness, as does too many stairs.

I can ride in the car without a donut but I still have to be pretty reclined if I do. I can drive with a donut, but not for very long. I suspect my max is somewhere around thirty or forty minutes right now.

I’m able to help out around the house a little. I can chop veggies at the kitchen island without worry. I can take the dogs around the house once without soreness. I’ll see if I can do twice tomorrow.

Peeing isn’t nearly as messy as it was. ⅔ of the time it just runs out the bottom of my slit. ⅓ of the time it runs in a stream down one butt cheek. I’m informed that this isn’t abnormal for cis girls, although I haven’t surveyed many.

Masturbation still isn’t worth the effort most of the time. Things are too sore. The clitoral region is still hypersensitive, and reaching inside is still disturbing to be because of all the stitches.

My “dimple” (a.k.a. vaginal canal) is only about 1cm deep, and this makes me sad. While I have no desire to use dildos or have sex with guys I did want to be able to feel what it was like to have something “inside” me.

I still think it was the right choice to go with minimal depth, but if I could go back in time and talk to old me, I’d tell her to masturbate regularly so that I wouldn’t loose any “material”.

When Dr. Purohit measured me five weeks before surgery he measured approximately 9cm (3.5 inches). I assume that was from base to the corona (bottom of the head). Before restarting HRT 2 years ago I was probably about 15cm (5.9 inches) over the same section.

The more I didn’t masturbate the more uncomfortable erections became, and the less I masturbated. The surgeons would have had a lot more to work with if I’d kept things up regularly.

When I first got aroused after surgery the erectile tissue hurt just like it had before. Now, I’m happy to report that things just feel good when I’m aroused, and there’s plenty of natural lube to have fun. It wouldn’t be enough to lube up a full vagina, but for what I’m working with it works just fine. And yes, my panties get wet just like any cis girl’s.

Unfortunately the stitches put a damper on reaching in and having any direct fun. It’s such a disturbing sensation to feel those stitches.

Speaking of, I don’t really know what things feel like down in my “dimple”. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing particularly arousing down there, but holy shit are there a lot of stitches hiding just out of sight. I’ll revisit when they finally dissolve but I don’t have high hopes at the moment. I think it’ll just be an interesting area to play with that will feel good, but nothing that’d make me come.

I don’t regret getting the surgery for a moment. I don’t regret not getting full depth.

My advice to ladies getting bottom surgery is to go easy on yourself, both in terms of how you push yourself, and in terms of how much time you give yourself to heal when things are sore. You’re going to spend a frustrating amount of time on your back, but it’ll be worth it.

Disturbing description of Masturbation and Orgasm after 3 months

Masturbation gets better by Week 22…

Week 22 ~Five Months

Things are looking, and feeling better. The exposed portion of the stitches around my clit and my vaginal canal - a.k.a. my “dimple” - finally dissolved a little way into month four, which I’m incredibly thankful for. I think they’re still there under the surface, but I can’t detect them anymore so I’m thrilled.

Week 22 status photo

Soreness & Limitations

Up until roughly four months after surgery I was always sore. Now, I only notice the soreness when I press against my vulva (wiping, and masturbation).

When I do something that taxes my groin too much - like carrying a 50lb (~22.5kg) bag - it does make me want to lay down for a while and not move, but the discomfort doesn’t linger into the next day. At three months something like that could make me useless for a week.

Sitting is improved, but I still use my donut when in my office chair or if I’m in the car for more than an hour. Squishy seats like the couch are fine, but harder surfaces are a problem. When I sit on something hard and flat it feels as if my vulva is a sphere that’s being pressed against. It’s as if he made the whole area bulge out farther. He didn’t, but it feels like that. I can only assume this is the result of internal swelling that hasn’t gone down.

Masturbation & Orgasm

Masturbation becomes more enjoyable as the soreness decreases. Earlier on, reaching orgasm involved pushing through the soreness. Now, I still feel the soreness while masturbating but it’s not enough to really hamper the experience. Also, my bulbourethral glands continue to produce enough “lube” that - unless I’m using a toy - I don’t need to add any.

Orgasms are fucking amazing. Here’s how I described it to my wife:

First, I want you to imagine a fluid with the viscosity of lube. Suspended in that fluid are glittery sparkles, each one of those sparkles represents a tingly sensation.

Orgasms are a warm pressure that builds, until you can’t hold it any more and that warm glittery fluid spreads out through your body bringing warmth and pleasant tingles.

I had hints of that sensation before surgery, but now it’s so much more, and so much better.

That being said, orgasms take a lot more work to achieve, and really require you to be in the right headspace. I haven’t been able to orgasm with a toy either, but maybe I just need to buy a “Magic Wand”.

The soreness isn’t really a problem during masturbation, but after the last one I was sore in a way that I imagine a straight girl might be after being railed by a linebacker for two hours.

On a related note, I discovered that slapping the labia over and around your clit isn’t just a weird thing porn stars do to turn on straight guys. It actually feels good. Who knew. I didn’t.

Internal Structures

While the outside looks great, things look non-standard inside. Mostly with regards to the clitoris. First off, there’s no “bean”. There’s a bit that’s extra sensitive, and is where you’d expect to find said “bean” but there’s nothing external there. Meanwhile the “bulbs” of the clitoris seem extra… bulbous. They look like an inflatable horseshoe going around a non-existent bean.

I really have to reach in and spread to see these. Like, not in the way you’d see in straight porn, where the woman puts a finger on each side of the labia and pulls. Doing that looks relatively normal.

To see the things I’m talking about requires going caving with a headlamp and safety gear, so maybe it’s normal looking and I’m just ignorant.

Regardless of what things look like inside. Everything feels good. The “bulbs” feel good. The non-bean feels good although it’s wicked sensitive and touching it directly is too much.

Depth

I spoke earlier about depth. Before the surgery Dr. Purohit suggested that I’d probably end up with enough depth to get my middle finger in roughly to the middle knuckle, or about 2.5“ (~6cm).

As you can see, I ended up with essentially no depth. Pressure in my “dimple” doesn’t feel good.

Demonstration of depth of my dimple

This photo shows my finger fully inserted. I couldn’t press it in any farther if I wanted to.

In theory I could do the same kind of dilation therapy an intersex person with a shallow vagina might, but I don’t really feel like pressing a hard rod into myself for twenty minutes a day, every day for however long it takes in order to have a cavity with no particular sensitivity.

Nerve Damage

No change from before, but it is more detectable because the rest of me isn’t constantly sore. There’s a roughly circular area about 6“ (~15cm) in diameter to the right of my vulva where I can’t feel anything at all. At this point I think it’s going to be permanent.

The End?

I’ll probably update this in a few months, but for now, this is the end.

If anyone on Dr. Purohit’s team is reading this, THANK YOU. You were wonderful.

And, if you made it this far 🙇‍♀️ Thank you for your time. If you’re on Mastodon / The Fediverse, please drop me a line at @masukomi@connectified.com and let me know what you thought.

The Reason I Didnt Sleep Last Night

2025-05-08T00:00:00-04:00

Table of Contents

Overview

I didn’t sleep last night. Not really. Not for any meaningful definition of “sleep”.

I’d like to talk about why. I want to give Cisgender people a glimpse into what it’s like to be trans right now, and I’d like my transgender siblings to know they’re not alone.

Before I do though, I need to make sure we all understand the current context.

The Current Context

The word “genocide” was first coined by Polish lawyer Raphäel Lemkin in 1944 in his book Axis Rule in Occupied Europe… Lemkin developed the term partly in response to the Nazi policies of systematic murder of Jewish people during the Holocaust, but also in response to previous instances in history of targeted actions aimed at the destruction of particular groups of people. Later on, Raphäel Lemkin led the campaign to have genocide recognised and codified as an international crime. - The United Nations

The United Nations - of which the USA is a member - has recognized genocide as a crime since 1946. When you say “genocide” to most people, I think they get images of war, or concentration camps: what the Nazis, and the Khmer Rouge did, and what Israel is doing. But genocide isn’t just about bullets and gas chambers. It’s about eliminating a people.

The Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide defines it as follows:

Article II

In the present Convention, genocide means any of the following acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial or religious group^[1], as such:

Killing members of the group;

Causing serious bodily or mental harm to members of the group;

Deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part;

Imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group;

Forcibly transferring children of the group to another group.

The United States is actively perpetrating genocide against transgender people. The government is removing our rights, our freedoms, our health care, and our safety. People are being rallied with hate-speech and lies that target us. Violence against us is on the rise. Trans kids were already at high risk of suicide, but now… I don’t want to know what the numbers are.

Last year a city in Texas began offering a $10,000 bounty on trans people who dare to use a bathroom that conforms to their gender identity. In some states people can’t get driver’s licenses that reflect their gender even if they’ve gone through Gender Reassignment Surgery. In the US, your driver’s license is the primary form of ID that you have to show for even simple things like buying alcohol, or entering a nightclub.

Every time a trans person is forced to reveal their birth gender, or name, they expose themselves to violence, rape, and murder.

The shadow over everything

In eleven days I’ll be getting Gender Conforming Surgery (GCS)^[2]. It’s something I’ve been dreaming of for over thirty years. My thoughts should be filled with concerns about the surgery, the severe recovery, or how much I’m looking forward to the results. But the reality is, I’m not thinking about that. Every now and then I think about how I’ll finally feel “complete”, and about the huge weight that will be lifted. But those are just small thoughts that peek through the shadow of genocide, and my country’s descent into fascism.

This has manifested two ways for me. The first is fear, and anxiety that something will happen between now and my surgical date to prevent it from happening. It feels like I’ve been holding my breath underwater for too long. The surface is in sight, but my lungs are burning and I’m afraid I won’t make it.

The other is fear about everything else and the fact that I can’t deal with that right now. Right now all my energy is going towards holding myself together and trying to make it to the surface. But… I can see the world crumbling around me as I rise, and I know that I will be physically fucked when I emerge.

If all goes well, I’ll be cleared to resume a normal - low-impact - life in three months. For two weeks I’ll be exhausted, wracked with pain, unable to care for myself, and unable to move much. It is, in many ways, a real, physical rebirth, with all the attendant vulnerability. I should be concerned about this, and I am on some level, but more than that is the fear I’ll need to run, but not be able to. The fear that even after I’m recovered I’ll be forced to leave the wife, and home I love.

My father was a British Jew. He hid in basements while Nazi’s rained bombs down on London. I don’t know how many family I lost in Nazi camps. I don’t want to know, but I will place a stone, and shed my tears in their memory. I will remember that my queer ancestors were placed in cattle-cars just like my Jewish ones. I will remember that when the US rallied its people against the forces of fascism in World War II, we erected concentration camps of our own, and filled them with innocent citizens whose only crime was having Japanese ancestors. More recently we’ve thrown people who cross our borders into cages, stolen their babies, and sold them to white people^[3].

We created our concentration camps was when we were fighting fascism. Now, the US is racing headlong towards a fascist state, and trying replace our fragile democracy with demagogue dictator. The Jews aren’t the primary scapegoat this time. It’s my siblings and me.

So that, my friends, is why I didn’t sleep last night.

It’s true that transgender people are not “…a national, ethnical, racial or religious group…” It’s also true that anyone who believes that a group being left out of a list makes it morally acceptable to commit genocide against them is a fucking ass-hole with no empathy, who deserves to burn in the worst available hell. ↩
GCS is also called Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS), and is sometimes still referred to as Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) although that term is outdated. ↩
Some might argue that the babies were “put up for adoption”. And this is true, but that process involves giving people babies after the prospective parents hand over money. That’s a sale, and that ignores the fact that the babies were kidnapped from their parents in the first place. ↩

What You're Doing Now

2025-04-08T00:00:00-04:00

Yesterday I saw a TikTok by a trans woman speaking up for herself, for all of us. In the face of fascist bigotry, she was proud, and strong, and defiant in all the best ways. She demonstrated that she’s exactly the kind of person everyone should strive to be.

Yesterday I saw someone on Mastodon positing that “If you’re wondering what you would have done during the holocaust, it’s whatever you’re doing right now.”

They’re right, but also… things aren’t the same. I’ve already written about the danger of showing your face at a protest. Right now, queer people need allies to stand up for us more than ever. It’s not just about having equal rights. It’s about not being thrown in concentration camps like we did to Japanese citizens when a US that was actively and publicly fighting fascism. Now the US is running head-first towards Nazi Party v2.0.

So, what am I doing right now?

I’m not doing what that amazing trans woman is doing. I’m staying home. I’m desperately trying to get bottom surgery before it stops being an option. I’m worrying about a repeat of Kristallnacht and past pogroms. I’m trying to get a foreign passport in case I have to flee this country. I’m checking lists of anti-trans laws before crossing state borders to see how dangerous Driving While Trans is. I’m not stepping beyond our borders, because coming back means federal agents looking at my passport, and possibly throwing me in the wrong prison for having a gender marker that matches the real me.

I’m hiding because I’m terrified of publicly standing up for myself. I’m afraid of even posting this, but I can’t say nothing. I need my trans cousins to know they need to take precautions if they’re going to protest. They need to be prepared to run. Those of us in places like Texas need to run. We have a tiny window where some states are still allowed to stand up and say “You’re welcome here”. Where we can be “safe” for a little while. Where we can find people who’ll help. Where we can not just be willing to run, but be prepared to run. Where we can pick a direction to head. Where we can pack a Go Bag.

I want to be left alone in my cozy house where my anxiety isn’t trying to give me panic attacks^[1], where the daily rituals allow me to live comfortably with my autism. I want to be able to pee in rest stops and stores without fearing some self-entitled TERF is going to call the cops on me. I want to be able to walk in public without worrying about Nazi wannabes beating me to death. I want to know that if I get in a car accident the paramedics won’t watch me bleed to death on the side of the road instead of helping. I want to be able to get the hormones that keep me feeling “right” with myself.

I don’t want to be sent to mens prison where I’ll be raped while guards look the other way. I don’t want to be put in a concentration camp. I don’t want to have to run from my home, or hide from bombs like my Jewish ancestors did.

Right now, I’m speaking publicly on social media, which may be a terrible idea, but I know how much representation matters. I know what it means to know there are people like me out there. I know what it meant for an 18 year old me to see someone like me on TV and be able to give a name to the things I was feeling.

It’s not much, but it’s what I can do.

What are you doing? Is it enough? If not, can you do more, or get someone to help where you can’t?

If you’re trans, are you somewhere safe, with people who have your back? If not, run. Run now. They are coming.

It’s hard to read the news, but not reading it means not seeing what’s coming. It’s hard to think of how much I have to do, and how quickly things are going to shit. It’s hard to write this post. It’s hard to go to NYC to see my surgeon. All of it makes me anxious. The worst of it makes me freeze. ↩