The Problem

My wife and I are still acting as if Covid is a real threat to our health an safety, because it is. Our friends & family think we’re “missing out”. They believe we are living significantly diminished lives. They think we’re living in fear. They’re worried for us, and frustrated with our limitations. They can’t imagine a world where we’re acting this way and not hurting and / or fearful.

We understand why they think we’re living in fear - even if they’re wrong - but we have no idea what they think we’re “missing out” on.

This post is an attempt to explain why they’re wrong. I also hope it might be useful for others dealing with similar problems. This is not an attempt to convince anyone to change how they’re living their lives.

First though, I need to explain what we’re doing that has them so worried.

• We’re still unwilling to go into buildings unless absolutely necessary.
• When friends want to visit we stay outside on the deck, we only let them in to use the bathroom, and we thoroughly ventilate the place afterwards.
• We always wear KN95 masks around other people unless there’s a medical reason to take it off.

Because of our self-imposed restrictions we:

• don’t go to the movies
• don’t eat in restaurants
• don’t go to social gatherings
• don’t physically hang out with friends except very rarely in small groups outside.
• don’t go into stores
• don’t go into supermarkets
• don’t go into gas stations, even to use the bathroom.

So, for the people who care about us, and people who care about others like us, let me try and explain why none of that matters to us.

Overall our thoughts on these can be summarized as “complete indifference” or “mild inconvenience.”

Loneliness

People think we must be lonely, but the important thing to understand is that just because you might be lonely in a situation doesn’t mean that everyone would feel lonely in it.

We moved away from Boston in 2017, before Covid. We moved to get away from the stress of the city, and it worked. It worked tremendously well. However, when we moved we put a mountain range and hours of driving between us and all of our friends. We didn’t move to get away from them, but it was a consequence of our choice.

We have no friends in this town. Most people think that’s a sad thing, but it’s not for us. The first couple years here we kept telling ourselves “We should make some friends here.” But, we said it more because of the social expectation to do so, and because other people think it’s sad to not have friends nearby.

There are plenty of social opportunities for adults to hang out together around here. Some of them are even things we enjoy doing. But, we kept not doing them. We’re not afraid of new things. We’re not afraid of meeting new people. For those who don’t know, we rode motorcycles from Boston to the bottom of South America. We were constantly in new situations that were sometimes uncomfortable, or scary. The conversations we had with strangers along the way were some of the best parts of the trip. So, that wasn’t the problem.

The truth is, we just didn’t feel like it. Mostly because we still have our friends. We have video chats with different friend groups twice a week, and wifey and I both have one on one chats with other friends weekly or monthly. If anything, we hang out with friends too much. Sometimes we just want to melt into the couch at the end of the day, but we like our friends and know that a lack of regular contact hurts most friendships. So, we stay in contact.

We’re not lonely at all. We have people to talk to. We have friends who’ll listen. We have each other. We’re never sick of each other’s presence.

Public Entertainment

I mention the following things specifically because everyone seems to think this is something we’re definitely “missing out” on.

Movies & TV

We haven’t been to a movie theater since 2017. The neighborhood theater is incredibly convenient to get to. There’s even a drive-in not far away. Before Covid we went to a craft fair and won free tickets to the local theater. We still have those free tickets somewhere.

When we were in Boston, we basically only went to the movies when a friend asked us to join them. Now, with no friends asking us to go, we just don’t care. We have zero desire to do so. There’s a lingering feeling that “we should go to the movies” but every time we actually investigate that feeling we decide “meh, why?”

It’s not because it’s so much more comfortable and convenient to watch at home. We simply don’t stream movies. We have some favorites on blu-ray that are just collecting dust. Sometimes wifey streams a tv-show that interest her. Sometimes I stream some anime. Mostly though, we watch Dimension 20 (TTRPG Actual Plays) while we eat dinner, and then get comfortable and play video games on our PlayStation, work on personal projects, or read. With rare exceptions, we don’t chat with friends about the series that “everyone is watching” or about movies we love, or any of that. Even then, it’s only wifey who has watched it.

That’s roughly what our routine has been since we moved here. We like it. It’s comfortable, and quiet, and cozy.

Performances

We’ve been together for like thirteen years. We’ve been friends for longer. In that time we went to probably two concerts by ourselves. Every other public performance we went to was the result of friends asking to go. Not us actively seeking something out. We had fun at those, but we would have never gone if the friends didn’t ask.

I don’t think either of us will regret it if we never see another live performance.

Restaurants, & Bars, & Parties

It’s true we miss restaurants. It’s also true that our town has terrible food options, and we’ve been lamenting at fact since before Covid. It’s not that we never eat other people’s food. We get pizza delivered. We go through drive-thrus. It’s just that the options suck. If we had better options now we’d use DoorDash or some similar service more, but not a ton.

Wifey never asked to go to a bar in all the time we’ve been together, and I don’t think she ever gone to one with friends either. Not in that time at least. I’m autistic, so I hate bars. They’re too loud, too crowded, and require way too much masking to be enjoyable. I also had an alcoholic dad, so I hate being around drunk people. I’m not even comfortable being around drunk friends in safe places.

I don’t like big get-togethers either. They’re just exhausting. They require constant masking, and “being present” for people you only see at gatherings like this, and never chat with otherwise. Wifey has never mentioned missing them, but I know they took a lot out of her too.

Physical Interactions

(Friends: this is blunt, and honest, and socially unacceptable, but it’s also who we are. If this hurts your feelings, I’m sorry, but also, I kinda wish you’d asked.)

As a general statement, Wifey and I don’t want to ouch anyone. I’m autistic - we generally don’t like touching people - and Wifey has her own reasons. When friends do come over we hug them because it’s a social expectation that we will, or because or friends initiate one. I don’t mind hugs from old friends. Sometimes they’re nice. I also don’t miss hugs from friends.

Think of it like not getting to eat sourdough bread again. Most people don’t actively crave it very often, or very strongly, and thus loosing access to it isn’t something they lament. The full truth of our thoughts on touch is more nuanced than that, but I think the metaphor holds pretty well for most of the people we know.

There are two people I actively want touches from, and both of them have been explicitly told that. Fortunately for me, I married one of them.

Shopping

It’s fucking exhausting. Supermarkets are literally designed to wear you down until you have a hard time resisting buying things you don’t need. It’s nice to never have to shop in one in person again.

We miss going to cheesemongers & fishmongers, but we didn’t do that very often anyway. It would be nicer to be able to try clothes on before buying them, but we rarely ever buy new clothes anyway.

We never went shopping as a form of entertainment before Covid.

Gas Stations & Travel

Covid has curtailed our travel dramatically. We used to take motorcycles, or cars, or other things around the country and beyond roughly every year.

Now, we don’t for a variety of logistical reasons. But we’re not really “missing out”. I used to ski and snowboard when I was a kid. I’m not “missing out” or lessened because I don’t do those anymore. When we visit our friends we bring a porta-potty. When using the car we bring a pop-up privacy tent thing. When using the ambulance, there’s a place for it in the back. We’ve seen each other use the bathroom before. It’s not a big deal.

The toilets is a minor inconvenience. Travel would be nice, but staying home is nice too.

Fear

We live in fear of Covid about as much as we live in fear of touching a hot stove. For the most part we just take basic precautions to not let it hurt us and don’t think about it otherwise.

Summary

Other than good food in restaurants that don’t exist around us, we don’t feel like we’re lacking much.

We like our life. We like where we live. We like the home we live in.

Is our life perfect? No. Is anyone’s?

When we left the city we lost access to many of the things people take for granted as things that “everyone” does. We learned that we don’t care about most of them. We learned that we were happy just existing with the person we love in a home that we love and talking to friends online. Being able to have almost anything we want delivered within a week or so makes it easier, but even without that I think we’d be pretty happy.

The problem - as we see it - isn’t that we’re “missing out”. The problem is that most people seem to think they need so much in order to be happy. Sometimes that’s things. Sometimes that’s activities. Sometimes that’s people. Whatever it is, it’s almost always an attempt to fill a void. Social interaction is important to us, but we don’t need it to be physical, and we’re comfortable enough with ourselves and our lives that we wouldn’t be unhappy if we didn’t talk to anyone outside our home for a month. Honestly, it’d be kinda relaxing.

Life is a lot simpler when you learn to be happy with yourself. When you can be honest with yourself, and your partner(s) about what feels good, and what feels bad, you can create a space that you enjoy being in without constantly needing “something else”. Sometimes that takes a lot of therapy, and uncomfortable conversations. It’s worth it though.

We’re not afraid to go get or do the things we want. We simply don’t want to go get or do much.

Why we’re still cautious

For those curious:

• Covid is still killing people daily, and it’s not just the old and weak - not that that would make it any more acceptable.
• When you get covid you dramatically increase your likelyhood of heart disease and Alzheimer’s. This isn’t a “long covid” thing. This is true for everyone who gets covid.
• Whenever you get covid there’s a 1 in 10 chance of getting long covid. We’re a single income household and we’re both knowledge workers. If the person with the money and insurance gets that then we’re fucked. Not just financially and physically. We would also loose the ability to work on the projects we love.
• Comorbidities. If wifey gets covid she’s significantly more likely than the average person to be fucked over by it.