Preface

Lesbians on the internet are mad at me for suggesting that being a lesbian is about who you’re attracted to / capable of loving and not about what sex acts you can enjoy the physical sensations of.

Apparently conversion therapy people claim that if a lesbian can find sex with a guy pleasurable they’re actually straight and/or like guys.

The conversion therapists are fucking stupid, and ignorant.

This post is all about showing that the things that pleasure you in the bedroom have no bearing on your queerness. You’re whatever flavor of queer you say you are, and the things that make your body feel good are only coincidentally relevant to the gender(s) that you’re attracted to and capable of loving.

Note: While this post is centered around lesbians, the general concept & conclusions are relevant to all queer folk.

Some Simple Facts

If you’re a queer ally you’ll agree these are all true. If you’re a homophobic or transphobic bigot, you won’t. This post is for the former group. Bigots can fuck right-the-hell off.

Furthermore for all the flavors of lesbian presented below, I’m assuming there are other lesbians who find them attractive and can fall in love with them.

1. Many women have spent years having sex with guys and sometimes finding that sex enjoyable prior to coming out as lesbians. We still accept their claims of being a lesbian as valid. Thus having enjoyable sex with a guy doesn’t invalidate being lesbian.
2. Ace lesbians exist and are valid, thus you can be a lesbian without wanting to have sex with women.
3. Trans-femme lesbians exist and are valid, thus enjoying sex that involves a penis doesn’t make you not a lesbian.
4. Trans women are women, even when they boymode, and even when they haven’t started hormones. Thus looking physically male, and still being physically male doesn’t make someone any less of a lesbian.¹ Yes, this makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but tough shit. Accepting trans people means accepting some - currently - uncomfortable ideas, and throwing out a lot of puritanical bullshit.
5. Flat chested lesbians exist, thus it’s not about needing boobs for sex / attraction. Also, Gynocomastia (AMAB guys w/ natural boobs) exists and the presence of boobs isn’t an exclusive feature of women. Cis women come flat and chesty, and so do cis men.
6. Trans-masc lesbians exist (yes really) and are valid, and thus it’s possible to be a lesbian and be attracted to butch-ass women with beards and muscles.
7. Cis bearded women exist (various reasons, not just intersex) and thus - again - it’s possible to be attracted to lesbians with beards.
8. Non-binary lesbians exist thus invalidate all arguments about boy/girl bodies.
9. Intersex lesbians exist and they take the concepts of sex, gender, and queerness out back, and have their way with them until they’re begging for more, and can’t remember their names.

Putting it all together

NONE of these facts have any bearing on what a given person finds physically attractive. It doesn’t mean a femme-loving lesbian is any less of a lesbian if they’re not attracted to bearded muscle-mommies.

NONE of this has any bearing on who a person finds emotionally attractive or lovable. You do you kid. Love who you’re gonna love.

NONE of this means that lesbians aren’t only attracted to women.

ALL of this together means that what a person finds physically pleasurable has nothing to do with gender, and thus nothing to do with their queerness.

If you say the physical stuff a person enjoys matters to someone being a lesbian or not you’re invalidating the existence of 1 or more groups of lesbians who are ace / trans-femme / trans-masc / non-binary / intersex / flat-chested. Probably a bunch of other groups I haven’t thought of yet too.

If trans women are women, and butch women are women, and trans-masc men are men, and femmy men are men, and intersex people exist then you can’t argue that the physical aspects of the body that pleasures someone is relevant to that person’s sexuality.

The only thing that’s left is “who are you attracted to and/or capable of loving?” if you’re a girl who’s attracted to girls, you’re a lesbian regardless of the physical attributes or acts you find pleasing.

Lesbians, and straight men can enjoy getting pounded by cock, just like gay men, and straight women can enjoy pussy. It sounds nonsensical, but it’s the only possible conclusion of accepting that intersex and transgender bodies are valid.

Conclusion

If you want to be an ally of all queer people, you HAVE to accept that the physical aspects of attraction and pleasure are separate from gender, and the flavor of queerness someone claims to be. You have to accept that the only thing that matters is what gender(s) a person is capable of loving and / or being attracted to.

That is to say, if you say you’re a woman who’s only attracted to / capable of loving women, you’re a lesbian, regardless of what your partner’s body looks like, or what makes you feel good in bed.

If you’re a guy only attracted to / capable of loving guys you’re gay, regardless of what your partner’s body looks like, or what makes you feel good in bed.

Pan people are pan, bi people are bi, and straight people are straight, regardless of what their partners’ bodies look like, or what makes them feel good in bed. People are whatever they claim to be because everything else falls apart when faced with the reality that intersex and trans people exist, and are valid.

What about the edge cases?

What about aro-ace, intersex, and nonbinary folks? They are whatever the hell they tell you they are, regardless of what their bodies look like or what their partners’ bodies look like.

What about the people who love enbys and/or intersex folks? Again, they’re whatever the hell they tell you they are.

Conversion Therapy Bullshit

I hate that I have to add this, but it’s been made painfully clear that I do.

This is the opposite of what the conversion therapists are saying. They’re arguing that you are whatever makes you feel good in bed. I’m arguing that you are whatever you say you are regardless of what makes you feel good in bed.

I’m arguing that liking “manly” women has nothing to do with liking men, because “manly” women, are no less women than femmy women. I’m saying that enjoying your trans girlfriends cock has nothing to do with liking men, because your trans girlfriend is a valid girl. I’m saying that liking femmy women makes you no more of a lesbian than liking butch girls, because women are women.

Cis human bodies are too fucking variable to be relevant to the question of sexuality. Trans human bodies throw everything on its head. The only relevant question about someone’s body is “do you find that one attractive?” The possession of penis / vagina / testes / ovaries / womb provably doesn’t make someone man or woman or male or female. Birth defects, surgeries, and intersex people are the most obvious reasons why. Things like being tall, muscled, bearded, short, effeminate, etc. all exist in male, female, and intersex people. So liking a body with specific features is irrelevant to your sexuality. It’s just what you like in a body.

If you still think this is “conversion therapy bullshit”, I’d like to encourage you to read what I actually said without assuming I’m implying something I haven’t said. Read it with the knowledge that I’m autistic, and thus am absolutely shit at the game of saying one thing and meaning another.

A conversion therapist who tries to use my arguments will fail, because they all boil down to “you’re queer if you say you are” or “you’re a lesbian if you’re a girl who only likes girls” regardless of anything else.